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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25477129">keep secrets (just to keep you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnyjaemin/pseuds/sunnyjaemin'>sunnyjaemin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Friends to Lovers, Insecurity, Misunderstandings, Strangers to Lovers, basically all of dream, but jaemin and jeno are very enamored by him and its cute, essentially renjun realizes some things and hes very stupid about it, renjun-centric</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 12:21:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25477129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnyjaemin/pseuds/sunnyjaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Renjun didn’t realize until too late that he missed Jaemin by his side. (Or, alternatively, Jaemin gets a new boyfriend and Renjun doesn’t know how to cope. It doesn’t help that his new boyfriend is cute, too.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>150</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! i haven't wrote anything in years, so sorry if this is a little rusty and the pacing is off. i just really love norenmin and their relationship :) i'll try to post the next chapter as soon as i finish it! i'm not too sure how long this will be tbh but i hope you guys like it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Renjun should’ve been happy. Why wasn’t he happy?</p><p>The thing is—he was when he first heard the news. Jaemin had rushed up to him after school, radiating joy. It was the kind that was contagious, making Renjun smile back at his best friend before he even had the chance to tell him what made him so excited. He had assumed it was something like getting a good grade on the math test Renjun had helped him study for last week, or that Jaemin’s basketball coach had finally announced that he would be captain next year. </p><p>To his surprise, it was neither of those things. </p><p>Jaemin was excited about a boy. A boy that went by the name Jeno, who had just asked him out after his class. It left Renjun’s mind reeling, because the thought of Jaemin dating anyone had never crossed his mind. Jaemin had never mentioned it before, either, although he had just assumed that it was because he simply wasn’t interested.</p><p>You see, Jaemin and Renjun had always been inseparable. They first met in middle school, when back when Renjun had just moved to Korea, a scary new foreign country to him, and was too shy to approach anyone. </p><p>Jaemin, ever the extrovert, had approached him after history and asked if he wanted to sit with him and his friends at lunch. Once they entered middle school, the rest of their middle school friend group grew apart, but Jaemin and him never quite seemed to. </p><p>Now here Jaemin was, seven inches taller, hair dyed a pretty pastel pink, with eyes sparkling like they always did. Renjun couldn’t help but feel the anxious pit in his stomach grow. It seemed like his best friend was taking the next step in life—getting a significant other—whereas Renjun was still content with this, with it just being them. </p><p>Part of him worried that he would be left behind. He always felt small, mentally and physically. It occupied his mind more times than he would like to admit. He wondered a lot about the future, when everyone went their separate ways, whether or not the people in his life would keep him, if he had any impact on their lives at all or if he was simply a passing figure. </p><p>Part of him told him that Jaemin would never do that to him. He was his best friend, his soulmate, as Jaemin had told him many times. But as easy as Jaemin had slipped into his life, taking up every inch of it with his stupid jokes and affectionate smiles, he could just as easily slip out of it, and Renjun wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. </p><p>All of him was wished he was happier, since Jaemin seemed to be. </p><p>A few months later, Renjun wasn’t sure he’ll ever be fully adjusted to sharing his best friend. It wasn’t as drastic as Renjun’s thoughts had made it seem, although this slow, decline of their inseparability hurt just as much. </p><p>Sometimes Renjun called, and Jaemin didn’t respond until a few hours later, after Renjun had already gone to sleep or put his phone down for the night. When he saw the text in the morning, a simple sorry i was with jeno :(, he just sighed in defeat and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes before his mom yelled at him to get up or he was going to be late for school. </p><p>There’s an ugly feeling blooming in his chest when he realized that Jaemin had forgotten one of their traditions—movie night at Renjun’s place every other Friday night. </p><p>He had already set up the pillow fort (something that Jaemin used to jump at the chance to do before) when Jaemin had called him back, voice panicked, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Injunnie! I fell asleep and forgot to set up an alarm.”</p><p>Renjun bit his tongue, holding back what he really wanted to say, which was that Jaemin had never needed an alarm before. He used to show up unannounced, pushing his way into the house like he lived there. Instead, he said, “It’s okay, don’t worry about it. You can make it up to me next time.” </p><p>Renjun spent the night watching Inside Out, furiously wiping away hot tears that came out involuntarily when he let his mind wander back to Jaemin.</p><p>When they both finally hung out, something felt off. Renjun couldn’t quite place it, maybe it was how their conversations seem to still to a halt whenever Jeno was mentioned offhandedly. That part was more of Renjun’s fault—he just didn’t know how to keep the discussion going when his heart started to feel heavy.</p><p>One day, Jaemin and him sat on the floor of his home, facing each other. Renjun’s mom had let him in earlier, and his presence came as quite the shock when he walked in on Renjun reading from his biology textbook. </p><p>Renjun tucked his knees to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs. Jaemin, on the other hand, had his legs sprawled out, taking up most of the space between them. Renjun thought it described their personalities perfectly—where Renjun was reserved, too wrapped up in his own mind, Jaemin was carefree, exuberant. It’s why they work so well together. </p><p>“Can I ask you a question?” Jaemin said, nudging him with his foot. When Renjun nodded, he asked something that made his blood run cold, “Do you not like Jeno?” </p><p>Jeno and him had only met a handful of times, all of them very brief and in passing. It wasn’t enough that Renjun had a full-formed opinion about the other, but he seemed nice enough. He was a classic kind of handsome. He was tall, with well-proportioned facial features and broad shoulders that Renjun envied. </p><p>“I don’t really know him,” Renjun confessed. “but I don’t dislike him or anything.” </p><p>Jaemin hummed, then told him: “He told me he thought you were cute when he first saw you.”</p><p>“Oh,” he replied dumbly. A pause. “What did you say then?”</p><p>Jaemin shrugged nonchalantly, glancing up at him. “I agreed.” </p><p>Oh. Oh. Renjun flushed. Jaemin had always told him he was cute, handsome teasingly, but his serious tone made it different. Maybe it was because he hadn’t been told that in a while. Maybe it was because Jaemin seemed weirdly shy after that, clearing his throat and sitting up straighter.</p><p>“Do you want to come to a party with Jeno and I this weekend? One of his friends is hosting it.” Renjun raised his eyebrows, about to make a snide remark about how Jaemin already forgot he hated parties, but Jaemin beat him to it. “I know, I know, you don’t like parties, but you can meet Jeno properly.” </p><p>Then, a little more seriously, he said, “I want you to come, Injunnie. I miss you.” Renjun sighed before reluctantly agreeing, not revealing that he missed him too, if not more, but from the way Jaemin smiled at him brightly, it didn’t really matter, did it?</p><p>-</p><p>“I like that one,” Renjun said for the fifth time in the past hour. Jaemin was staring at himself in the mirror, making a face at himself. He tugged at the collar of the denim jacket he was wearing. He was wearing distressed black jeans, the ones that made Renjun realize just how stupidly attractive his friend was, and a plain white graphic tee. He looked good, but to be fair, Jaemin always looked good to him, so he was the wrong person to ask. </p><p>“Do you think it goes with the rest of the outfit? I’m not sure,” Jaemin pouted. </p><p>“Then don’t wear it.”</p><p>“…But it’s kind of cute?” </p><p>“Then wear it.” </p><p>Jaemin groaned, turning away from the mirror to lightly punch him in the shoulder. “You’re no help, Injun.” </p><p>“I don’t know why you thought I would be, you know I could care less about fashion.” Renjun flipped over on Jaemin’s bed, propping himself on his elbows. “Why are you trying so hard anyways? You have a boyfriend.”</p><p>Jaemin huffed, going back to the mirror and pulling the jacket on and off indecisively. He said, “I still want him to think I look hot.”</p><p>Renjun’s eyes flitted over Jaemin’s figure in the mirror. “I think you look hot.”</p><p>Jaemin sighed, flopping down on the bed next to him and pouting. He mumbled a quiet thank you. He reached over and carded his hand through Renjun’s freshly hair, smiling. “Did I tell you how much I like the blonde?”</p><p>Renjun smiled back shyly. He had made an impulsive decision at 2 a.m. a few nights ago, halfway through a mental breakdown about university applications. He had actually wanted to do it a while ago, after his friend Yukhei had made a comment about how he thought it would suit him. Renjun had never dyed his hair before, so it was quite the drastic change, so he was glad that everyone seemed to like it. </p><p>“Yeah?” he asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jaemin assured him. </p><p>There was a knock on the front door, and Jaemin bolted down the stairs to go open it. Renjun, much less energetic, went after him. He waited on top of the stairs, looking down at Jaemin and Jeno conversing. Jeno leaned in to kiss him briefly, and Renjun averted his eyes to the floor–he suddenly felt like he was intruding even though Jaemin was the one who asked him to come. </p><p>He fiddled with the sleeves of his jacket. They went past the tip of his fingers, because Renjun has never bothered to buy properly-fitted clothes. He liked things oversized anyways. It made him feel a little safer, like he could hide from the world a little more even if it sounded ridiculous. </p><p>Jaemin called him downstairs after he noticed him, gesturing for him to come over. </p><p>“Hi,” Renjun greeted, nodding to Jeno. “I’m Renjun, but uh, you already knew that.”</p><p>Jeno smiled back, eyes curling up into little crescents, “Hi Renjun, I’m Jeno, but you already knew that too.” </p><p>Jaemin threw his arms around the two boys in front of him, leading them out the door, grinning. “Ah, my babies are finally meeting,” he cooed. “This is gonna be great.” </p><p>Renjun glanced at Jeno, already feeling full of dread and anxiety, only to find Jeno staring back at him.</p><p>-</p><p>Jaemin is somewhat of a character when he’s drunk. His need for physical affection increased tenfold, and he always found himself clinging onto the nearest person with absolute disregard of personal space. </p><p>Renjun pondered if it would be different this time—now that Jaemin had a boyfriend and all, but it wasn’t. Jeno didn’t seem that bothered, though, even with his significant other draped across Jungwoo—one of their friends, his loud, manic laughter radiating through the room above everyone else’s. </p><p>Renjun sat and watched the rest of his friends argue, debating about whether TikTok or Vine is the superior app. Unlike most other people, Renjun mellowed out when he had enough alcohol in his system. Even sober, he was more of an observer, even though he could be loud when he wanted to be. He just liked to listen and watch, even if there was nothing particularly interesting going on.</p><p>Renjun caught Jeno moving from his position on the couch out of the corner of his eye, to which he assumed was to go get more drinks. Instead, the brunette sat next to him on the floor, bumping shoulders with him lightly as a greeting, “Hey.”</p><p>Renjun looked over at him. His cheeks were flushed pink, his hair was a mess, and he had gotten rid of the sweater he was wearing earlier, now only in a black tank top. Renjun was right before, in that Jeno was gorgeous. He was even more so up close, now that Renjun had the chance to really look at him. </p><p>“Hi,” he said back. He felt nervous in Jeno’s presence. He chalked it up to the fact that they barely knew each other, but there was a small amount of resentment for occupying so much of Jaemin’s time recently, although that wasn’t really his fault. It definitely wasn’t Jeno’s fault that Renjun was so insecure about being left behind.</p><p>“So, how’s it going with Jaemin?” Renjun asked, leaning in so he could be heard over the loud music booming through the house speakers. Jeno glanced over at the sofa where Jaemin was sitting, and Renjun didn’t miss the little smile across his face. “It’s going really well, actually.”</p><p>Renjun hummed. “Good, because if you break his heart, I will kill you.” He grinned at him. “Just best friend duties, nothing personal.”</p><p>Jeno laughed, shoulders shaking as he brought a hand up to brush his bangs out of his face. “You know I really envy your friendship. He talks about you all the time.”</p><p>“What do you mean, envy?”</p><p>Jeno made some nonsensical motions with his hands. “Not like in the jealous way—I’m not really the jealous type, I just. I think your relationship is really cute. I’ve never had a friendship like that.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he said, not sure of what else to say. He’d gotten that a lot from people, actually. They stuck together like glue, to the point where people assumed they were dating in the first half of high school. </p><p>When Renjun found out, he vehemently rejected it, making sure everyone knew they were just friends. He didn’t really know why—it’s not like the idea of dating Jaemin was bad. He was handsome and caring and always seemed to know what to say, but Renjun wasn’t sure if he even liked guys yet, let alone his best friend. </p><p>Jeno suddenly got up, careful not to spill his drink, and extended a hand down to Renjun. Renjun stared up at him questioningly. “I want to show you something,” he said, then offered him another smile that turned his eyes into crescents. “to bond, you know.”</p><p>Renjun glanced over at Jaemin who still seemed extremely invested in the argument. Then he took Jeno’s hand and stood up.</p><p>Turns out, the “something” was a small greenhouse in the backyard with a very large sign outside it that read KEEP OUT. Jeno didn’t seem to bothered by it, inside stepping over it and looking back for Renjun. When he sensed his hesitation, he explained, “Don’t worry, Jaehyun won’t mind, I come in here all the time.” </p><p>Renjun timidly stepped over the sign, looking around the place. It was beautiful—there were two large tables on either side of the doorway, each filled with colorful flowers and green plants that looked delicate and lively. </p><p>He also noticed this was the first time the entire night that the music wasn’t overbearingly loud. It was now a small muffled noise, blocked by the door. Something about it all, the feeling of being away from all the noise and in a secluded little space, made Renjun feel calmer. </p><p>Jeno had already busied himself with a spray bottle, tending to some of the plants. “This one is my favorite,” he said softly. Renjun almost thought he was talking to himself, but he looked over at Renjun, grinning. Renjun walked over to him, spotting the plant he was talking about. It was a big hibiscus plant, with large red and pink flowers.</p><p>He hummed in acknowledgement. He looked over at the Venus fly trap nearby and pointed to it. “I like that one the most. It’s small, but it’s got a little bite to it, you know?” </p><p>Jeno cracked a smile. “Kind of like you, or so I’ve been told.” </p><p>“Maybe, once you get to know me,” he admitted. He propped himself up on one of the tables, crossing his arms. “So, why’d you really bring me here?”</p><p>Jeno put down the spray bottle, sitting on the table opposite of Renjun and shrugging. The music had moved onto a new song that Renjun recognized as one of Jaemin’s favorites, Any song by ZICO. He could imagine him dancing to it now shamelessly, forcing his other friends to join him.</p><p>“I thought it’d be nice if we could be friends,” Jeno said. “I don’t want to be that asshole that the best friend despises, at the very least, you know? At least, I’m trying my best not to be.”</p><p>It dawned on him. “Were you worried that I hated you?” Jeno rubbed the back of his neck and looked bashful, admitting, “Yeah.” Renjun laughed, making Jeno’s head snap up and he whined, “You never said hello or anything! What was I supposed to think?”</p><p>Renjun covered his mouth with his hand, trying to stifle another laugh at Jeno’s hurt puppy expression. Once he finally stopped, he sent Jeno a reassuring smile. “Sorry, I’m just shy around new people, it’s not just you. I promise I don’t hate you.” </p><p>Jeno’s shoulders slumped, still looking like a kicked puppy. Renjun held out his pinky finger, trying to look as serious as possible. “Pinky promise?”</p><p>Jeno grinned at him for a second before trying to match Renjun’s seriousness, clearly enjoying this bit. “Are you sure? You know these are very serious, right?” He nodded. Jeno wrapped his pinky finger around his, pressing their thumbs together to seal it. </p><p>They both burst into a fit of giggles afterwards at the ridiculousness of it. “You are a weird one, Renjun,” Jeno said.  </p><p>“You can call me Injun, or Injunnie. It’s what my friends call me,” he said.</p><p>“Okay, Injunnie.”</p><p>-</p><p>The rest of the night was a little more chaotic, but it was the nice kind—the one that reeked of youthful joy, due to the combination of too much alcohol in everyone’s system and the strange feeling that accompanies staying up past midnight.</p><p>Jaemin had dragged him to dance halfway through the night, grabbing his wrist and pulling him away from the group before Renjun had even gotten a chance to protest. </p><p>He swayed to the music, some random American pop song that he didn’t know the words of, while Jaemin danced much more exuberantly. The amount of people pushing and shoving left them nearly flushed together, and as much as Renjun blushed, Jaemin didn’t seem to mind being so close to him. </p><p>He was clearly more than a little drunk, stumbling a bit but insisting he was fine when Renjun said something. His hair was pushed back, sweat covering his forehead and noticeably running down his neck when he threw his head back, dancing to the music. Once again, Renjun thought about how attractive his best friend was. </p><p>Jaemin leaned into his ear—which truthfully, wasn’t very far given their proximity—and mumbled, “I love you, Renjun. So, so much.” </p><p>Renjun smiled and leaned back to pinch his cheeks fondly. “I love you too, loser.”</p><p>Jaemin made a noise, one between protest and frustration, shaking his head, distressed. He grabbed Renjun’s wrists and held them close to his chest, pouting, “No, you don’t understand. Like I really love you.” </p><p>Renjun rolled his eyes. He was used to his friend’s over affection, knowing it was probably just the alcohol talking, so he nodded and ruffled his hair. “I know, baby. I know.” </p><p>Jaemin huffed and let go of his wrists, choosing instead to wrap his arms around Renjun’s middle and pushing all of his weight on him, sending both of them stumbling back a little. Renjun smiled sheepishly at the people behind him that sent them a dirty look. “‘M so drunk,” Jaemin mumbled into his shoulder, as if he was realizing just now. </p><p>Renjun patted his back comfortingly. He definitely wasn’t the most sober either, so instead of dragging Jaemin home like he normally would have done, he let himself enjoy the warmth of Jaemin against him as they swayed to the music. He liked feeling he was loved and needed, especially when it was Jaemin. He could choose to be a little selfish sometimes, right?</p><p>Jaemin pulled back, hands coming up to either side of Renjun’s face and narrowing his eyes. “You. Are so pretty, did you know that? Like gorgeous. My best friend is so good-looking. I think about that a lot. You could get anyone you wanted if you tried, but I don’t want you to because then you’d be mine less and I don’t want that,” he rambled. </p><p>Renjun blinked, barely registering Jaemin’s words. “Okay, maybe it really is time to go,” he said. He pushed Jaemin off him and grabbed his hand, pulling out of the crowd of people. Jaemin slumped against him and put up no fight. He found where Jeno was in the kitchen, and watched as Jaemin gasped when he saw his boyfriend, instantly throwing himself at him. </p><p>“Woah, hi baby,” Jeno blinked, wrapping his arms around Jaemin to stabilize him. The girl he was talking to said her goodbyes and Jeno sent an apologetic look. </p><p>“Do you think you could get him home? I think I’m going to get going,” said Renjun. Jeno frowned at him. </p><p>“Are you sure you want to go by yourself? Why don’t we walk you home?” </p><p>“It’s okay, I’ll be fine, I don’t live that far from here.” </p><p>Turns out, Jeno wasn’t necessarily asking, because as much as Renjun insisted he’d be fine, here he was, a passed out Jaemin on his back, walking beside Renjun. It was pitch black out, the sidewalks only illuminated by the street lights. It felt like the scene of a horror movie, and Renjun admittedly was kind of glad Jeno walked him home now. </p><p>The walk was enveloped in a comfortable silence, minus Jeno’s mumbled apologies when he bumped into Renjun’s side as he readjusted Jaemin on his back. </p><p>As they approached his house, Renjun said, “Thank you for taking care of Jaemin, by the way. He’s lucky to have a good guy like you.” </p><p>Jeno smiled softly, “But if I break his heart, you’ll still kill me?” He finished, raising an eyebrow. </p><p>“Always.” </p><p>Renjun waved goodbye to him as he walked up the path to his house. As he opened the door, he glanced back to see them still there, waiting for him to get inside safely. Jeno waved goodbye finally before turning to walk towards Jaemin’s house.</p><p>Renjun closed the door, feeling the cold air on his face a stark contrast to the humidity outside. He looked over at himself in the mirror beside the doorway. His cheeks felt hot, and Renjun decided that it was because of the alcohol, and nothing else.</p><p>- </p><p>Renjun recently discovered that Jeno’s house was the perfect hang out space. The basement was decorated with a large smart TV, two couches, LED lights, and a mini-bar (that technically Jeno’s parents forbid him from touching, but they aren’t actually that strict about it, Jeno explained). </p><p>Renjun had also recently been introduced to Jeno’s best friends, Donghyuck and Chenle, who were probably some of the loudest people he had never met. Donghyuck and him constantly bickered; they were polar opposites in most aspects, but Donghyuck seemed to bring out the feisty part of him, and that part of him seemed to want to punch him constantly.<br/>
Chenle and Renjun clicked immediately after he learned that he was Chinese. They liked to converse in Mandarin around the others, mostly to talk trash, because it was funny to see their friend’s faces when they heard their name with no other context. Chenle was a year younger, and Renjun saw him as a new little brother in a way. He fit that role perfectly, with his annoyingly high-pitched dolphin laughter and his constant teasing. </p><p>One day, Jaemin brought over Jisung to one of their hang outs, one of the underclassmen from the dance club who Jaemin had unofficially adopted as his child. Being almost two years younger than him and most of everybody else, he had become the baby of the group immediately, despite being over 10 centimeters taller than Renjun. </p><p>Somewhere along the way, Donghyuck’s best friend—or boyfriend, no one really knows—Mark, had joined them, and then they were seven. </p><p>It wasn’t until a few months later that Renjun realized that he hadn’t had this many friends since, well, middle school. He loved it, because he didn’t feel so alone anymore. There was always someone to talk or hang out with, even when he felt at his loneliest, his friends forced him to get out of bed to cheer him up. </p><p>His heart felt full. </p><p>“Injun,” Chenle called from across the room. He was settled on the couch with Jisung, staring intensely at his phone, presumably playing PubG. Renjun heard him swear at least ten times in the past five minutes in Mandarin. </p><p>Renjun moved his head off Jaemin’s, who was using him as a pillow. He whined when he moved away, grabbing his arm and pulling him closer in retaliation. “Yeah?” Renjun said. </p><p>“Are you gay?”</p><p>Renjun paused, staring at the younger like he had grown two heads. When Renjun didn’t answer, Chenle paused his game and glanced at him. “My mom wants to know. She nicknamed us the Qasians, but it doesn’t work if you’re not queer, so.”</p><p>Renjun opened his mouth, and then closed it again when he realized he didn’t know how to answer. He felt like his brain just short-circuited, and now he was just stuck there glitching as his friends all looked at him expectantly, curious as well of his answer. Even Jaemin had moved his head, staring at his face intently. </p><p>“I, um. I don’t know, I’ve never been a relationship, and I’ve never thought about it,” he stammered out. Donghyuck looked at him with wide eyes, questioning, “Wait, you’ve never even had a crush before? Not even one?”</p><p>Renjun shifted uncomfortably, chewing on his bottom lip. “I guess not.” </p><p>“Well, let’s find out, then,” Donghyuck declared, and Renjun had half a second to realize what was happening before Donghyuck had walked over and gave him a large, sloppy kiss on the cheek.</p><p>Renjun let out a shriek, pushing Donghyuck away from him and wiping at his lips furiously. “What the hell, Donghyuck?” </p><p>Donghyuck grinned triumphantly, “Okay, so not gay, then.” </p><p>Renjun glared at him. “Or maybe I just don’t like you, brat,” he said adamantly. Hyuck mocked him in a high-pitched voice, flopping back down on the couch. </p><p>“Well, if not me, then who else can you kiss?”</p><p>“Kiss Jeno,” Chenle piped up, “Jeno’s a good kisser.”</p><p>Jaemin sat up straight, staring at Chenle. “How do you know that Jeno’s a good kisser?” Beside him, Jeno groaned, burying his face into his hands, mumbling about a stupid dare.</p><p>“I’m not kissing anyone else, thank you very much,” Renjun insisted, a finality to his words. His face was bright red. He just wanted the conversation to be done with. </p><p>“Whatever,” Donghyuck stated, already changing the subject to something else. “You guys wouldn’t believe what happened to me in history the other day...”</p><p>Renjun stayed quiet for the whole conversation. Chenle’s question rang around in his head, and now it was all he could think about. His whole body felt ready to bolt, energy coursing through him, even though it was much more difficult to run from an identity crisis.</p><p>He didn’t notice he was shaking until Jaemin pulled his hand into his lap and clasped his hand in his. He sent him a reassuring smile and squeezed his hand.</p><p>It was strange, but at that moment, Renjun thought back to that party a few months ago. He still remembered everything, from the way Jaemin clung to him to Jeno walking him home that night. Right now, though, he was thinking about Jaemin telling him over and over how he loved him. He wondered if there was something else he meant by that, because as he didn’t think about labels, he didn’t think love meant anything other than platonic when it came to Jaemin. </p><p>Renjun wondered maybe if he should start. </p><p>-</p><p>The sound of the door bursting open and feet hitting the pavement startled Renjun into almost dropping his phone. Jeno appeared in front of him, out of breath and looking as if he had just ran three flights of stairs, which, might have been true. </p><p>He began to apologize profusely for being late, explaining that his track practice had run overtime and his phone died so he couldn’t text Renjun to let him know. Renjun waved him off, admitting that he had nothing to do today anyways. </p><p>Despite rushing, Jeno stilled managed to look like he came straight out a K-drama. He was wearing all black today, with ripped jeans, and turtle neck, and combat boots. It was probably his favorite outfit he’d seen on him, but he didn’t voice that out loud.</p><p>The two started walking towards the cafe where they were supposed to meet their friends, bumping shoulders lightly once and a while. Renjun asked Jeno about how his practice went with Districts coming up, which he seemed stressed about lately. Jeno was captain of the track team, and it must’ve been a lot of pressure to keep morale up but also better his times as well. </p><p>Jeno asked him about his progress on his latest art project. It was meant to be an observational drawing of something you admired or loved, but Renjun was struggling to find someone after both his parents said they were busy. He was going to ask Jaemin, actually, but the other seemed a little out of touch these days and he didn’t want to take up his time. </p><p>“I can do it,” Jeno offered after Renjun explained his situation. Renjun looked at him skeptically, frowning, “Jeno, you just ranted to me about how stressed and busy you are.”</p><p>“I can spare an hour or two for you,” he said easily, then added cheekily, “Maybe I just want to see a drawing of myself. I can be a narcissist for once.”</p><p>Renjun laughed, knowing that was far from the truth. Jeno was extremely bashful about his looks, even though he was clearly very handsome and had been told that by almost everyone. Renjun made it a point not to mention it, though, because it felt strange when he knew he was dating Jaemin. </p><p>“Thank you,” Renjun said bashfully. Jeno was almost too nice sometimes, but he didn’t seem to realize it. </p><p>They arrived at the cafe and settled on a booth in the corner, sitting opposite from each other. Chenle and Jisung were supposed to already been there ten minutes ago, but the pair were nowhere to be found. Renjun wasn’t surprised, though. The two of them were always together nowadays, attached at the hip. It reminded Renjun of the way Jaemin and him used to be, although he didn’t dwell too much on it. </p><p>Jeno’s fingers tapped on the table absentmindedly while he scrolled through his phone. Jeno and him didn’t often hang out alone together. There was always Jaemin or someone else there to be the bridge between them. </p><p>Even so, their relationship had improved drastically compared to their first proper conversation. As Renjun had gotten to know him better, he realized that Jeno was the most interesting person he’s ever met. It wasn’t even that he had a particularly loud personality, because like Renjun he seemed to switch between reserved and boisterous on a whim. </p><p>He was interesting in that Renjun always learned something new about him every time he talked to him. </p><p>For one, he quickly learned that Jeno was a liar. And a terrible one, at that. He claimed to hate skinship, in fact it was one of the first things that Jeno had mentioned offhandedly to him, but he initiated it the most in the group after Jaemin and Donghyuck.</p><p>He seemed keen on doing it with Renjun a lot, explaining to him that he was small so it felt like hugging a teddy bear. Renjun punched him after that. </p><p>Recently, he had learned after an impromptu game night that Jeno made cute noises when he was confused or startled. It resembled a squeak, and added with the cute facial expression he makes, Renjun found himself cooing at him because he couldn’t help it. </p><p>“So,” Renjun said, sipping on the coffee his just ordered. “How are you and Jaemin?” </p><p>Jeno looked up from his phone and rolled his eyes. He folded his arms up on the table and said, “You always ask that.” </p><p>“Do I?” Renjun asked. Jeno nodded and smiled at him, because Jeno was always smiling (Jisung said it was because he knew he looked good like that). </p><p>“Yeah, but it’s okay,” said Jeno, “We’re doing well, as per usual. I think Jaemin needs more cuddling than I can offer, though.” </p><p>He snorted, swirling his coffee and fixing his eyes on the cubes clashing on the sides of the cup. “I don’t think anyone could ever fulfill Jaemin’s need to cuddle.”</p><p>“Jaemin says you’re a good cuddler,” Jeno added. Renjun pretended not to notice his eyes on him, humming in response.</p><p>Jeno made comments like this all the time, about Jaemin and his friendship. Renjun wondered to himself if Jeno was lying about not being the jealous type, except that Jeno didn’t seem to care when Jaemin clung to him. In fact, there were a few times where he caught them cuddling while they were in a group and just smiled at them affectionately before turning back to a conversation with someone else. </p><p>Renjun still was never sure what to do with it anymore, so instead he just pretended the comments had no meaning, because well, it seemed like to Jeno they didn’t, anyways.</p><p>“Do you want to go to the city fair that’s happening this weekend with me?” Jeno asked. </p><p>Renjun looked up. “Just the two of us?” Jeno nodded.</p><p>“It’ll be fun,” Jeno assured him after he noticed his hesitance, although Renjun didn’t have the courage to tell him that having fun wasn’t the part that worrying him the most. He couldn’t pinpoint what is was, but the idea of spending more time with Jeno alone still made him nervous, after all this time. </p><p>Despite that, Renjun didn’t want to say no. “Okay,” he agreed. Jeno’s face lit up and his lips curled up into one of his signature smiles, almost blindingly so, Renjun couldn’t help but smile back shyly. </p><p>“It’s a date,” Jeno said. Renjun froze. “A date?” Jeno giggled at his facial expression and teased, “I’m just kidding, Injunnie.” </p><p>Three seconds later, Chenle and Jisung entered the cafe. </p><p>-</p><p>Jeno swore loud enough that the parents with their little kids around sent them dirty looks. Renjun looked away bashfully, turning his attention back to the game. They were positioned next to each other with fake guns, shooting at bottle targets. They were on their second round, after their first one was a wild failure. Renjun had managed to shoot two down while Jeno shot three, but the person manning the booth said it wasn’t enough for any prizes.</p><p>Renjun felt a little dejected after that, staring at the giant Moomin plushie hanging above their heads. It was the main reason he asked Jeno if they could play this game. Moomin was his favorite character ever, and the thought of hugging it and taking it home made him excited. </p><p>Jeno insisted they play another round, cheekily adding that he’ll win it for Renjun with a sly wink. Renjun shoved his shoulder gently and turned away, his cheeks growing warm. </p><p>Next to him, Jeno had managed to shoot down about six bottles, managing to snag another one just before the man yelled that time was out. Combined with the three bottles Renjun managed, the man let them pick from an array of smaller prizes. They all seemed rather uninteresting until Renjun had spotted a plushie of a dog with a cute eye-smile. </p><p>He pointed at it enthusiastically, grabbing Jeno by the shoulders and propping the toy up on his shoulder when he finally got his hands on it. “It looks just like you!” He exclaimed, grinning and far too amused by the comparison.  </p><p>Jeno laughed, eyes curling into a matching smile. He was looking down at Renjun with a look of pure adoration, and Renjun was too busy in his own enjoyment that didn’t notice the way Jeno’s eyes followed his motions.</p><p>“Do you want to get some food?” Jeno asked after a bit. Renjun nodded, “Yeah, sure.” </p><p>The sky had gotten darker, the sun starting to set and casting a pretty orange glow on everything around them. Renjun huddled next to Jeno’s side as a breeze hit him, shivering despite wearing a jacket. Jeno was talking to the teenager taking orders at the booth, ordering them a funnel cake. </p><p>He glanced over the sound of Renjun’s teeth clattering, promptly putting an arm around him and rubbing up and down his arm and shooting him a smile before turning back to the booth. Renjun cherished the warmth radiating off Jeno, trying hard not to dwell on how he was practically glued to him in very indecent proximity.</p><p>Jeno pulled his arm off him to grab the funnel cake, thanking the worker and leading them to a nearby spot on the grass after realizing all the benches were reoccupied. They sat across from each other, munching on the delicious fried dough without saying much. </p><p>Renjun found the warmth of the food going down his throat soothing. </p><p>“Calm down, you’re gonna choke,” Jeno frowned at him, putting his hand on knee to get his attention. Renjun’s eyes shot down to the spot on his leg where he was touching, his skin suddenly feeling like it was on fire on that one spot. His eyes moved to Jeno’s face, instead, a much more safe place. His eyes were big and round, face contorting into concern for his friend. </p><p>Renjun squeaked out an apology after swallowing the last of the food in his mouth, “Sorry, sorry.”</p><p>Jeno smiled and retracted his hand back (thankfully), shaking his head and pulling off another piece of the funnel cake. “You’re so cute, Injun.” </p><p>Renjun blushed, bringing a hand up to his face under the guise of resting it on his cheek. Just as he had suspected, it felt hot to the touch. </p><p>Well, the upside is that he didn’t feel cold anymore.</p><p>Later into the night, after it had gone completely dark, they were on their way down an empty neighborhood street. Renjun had his puppy tucked neatly on his left side.</p><p>It was a similar scene to the one a few months ago, where Jeno had walked him home on the night of the party at Jaehyun’s. The main difference between that scene and this one was that Renjun was trying to hide how bad he was shaking.</p><p>Every part of him felt weird and jittery—he felt so nervous, even with Jeno being completely relaxed and calm next to him. It was something about this Jeno, the one that was with him at that moment, the one who’s been by his side all night, with his stupid red jacket and pretty smile and fleeting touches. </p><p>“You’re still shaking,” Jeno spoke. He grabbed Renjun’s hand and laced their fingers together, tucking their conjoined hands into his jacket pocket. He rubbed his thumb comfortably over the top of Renjun’s hand. </p><p>Renjun felt himself short-circuit, like he was glitching. His heart started pounding, so much so that he worried that Jeno could hear it, but he was just looking ahead, expression neutral. His mind had zeroed in on the feeling of Jeno’s hand in his, captivatingly warm and soft. He suddenly wished that the walk to his house was longer, so he could savor this.</p><p>He was so distracted that he missed when Jeno had stopped in front of his own house, only being tugged back by their hands together. </p><p>Jeno shifted on his feet, as if he didn’t really know what to do—or perhaps he didn’t want to leave either. It hit Renjun then that this felt like a date. Spending hours together and getting walked home... those were all parts of a date, right?</p><p>Renjun’s eyes flickered to Jeno’s lips, which were a very pretty shade of pink. Kissing goodnight was also another part, Renjun thought offhandedly. </p><p>Jeno rubbed the back of his neck, starting, “Thank you f—“ only to be interrupted by the ringing of his phone in his pocket. He sent him an apologetic look, pulling it out of the pocket that was currently not occupied by their hands, sliding to answer and pressing it against his ear. </p><p>“Hey Nana,” he spoke softly, turning away from Renjun to tend to his boyfriend’s call. Renjun visibly flinched.</p><p>Oh. He was really stupid, wasn’t he?</p><p>He had gotten far too invested in this narrative for a boy who was in already in love with someone else—and not just any someone, his best friend. He felt the guilt unravel over him, until his knees felt weak and it dawned on him just how awful he was being, thinking about Jaemin’s boyfriend like that. </p><p>Renjun pulled his hand back to his side, wiping it on his jeans as if it would have taken back everything that had happened in the last few hours.</p><p>“I’m with Renjun, baby,” Jeno continued. Renjun heart stung, finding his shoes suddenly very interesting. “Okay, I’ll tell him you said hi. Yes, I’ll call you when I get home. Okay. I love you too. Bye.” </p><p>Jeno hung up, slipping the phone back into his pocket. “Jaemin said hi,” he reported, as if Renjun hadn’t heard the entire conversation. </p><p>“I’m gonna go inside,” Renjun remarked hastily, already backing away towards the front door. He tried his best to keep his voice even and casually. “‘Night, Jeno.” </p><p>“Hey, wait,” Jeno grasped one of his wrist. He smiled at him sweetly, but it made Renjun feel nauseous. “Let’s do this again sometime?” His tone was hopeful. He was probably excited to spend more time bonding, but Renjun didn’t know if he could take it now that his heart hammered whenever Jeno so much as looked at him. </p><p>Renjun nodded quickly, sending back a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was enough that Jeno let go of him, and Renjun dashed inside, slamming the door shut behind him. </p><p>He bypassed his mother sitting on the couch, running up the stairs to his room and collapsing on the bed. He instantly hiccuped, tears flooding his vision. He covered his eyes with his arm, doing his best to stifle his sobs as the guilt found its outlet.</p><p>Instead of his heart fluttering like before, it felt heavy with guilt. He was an awful person.</p><p>Jaemin was the single most important person in his life, and he had spent the last few hours thinking about his boyfriend, without a single consideration to him. Hell, it hadn’t even registered to him that he was with his significant other until long after it should have.</p><p>The thought of Jaemin finding out sent him into an even deeper cry. He could imagine his usually playful disposition replaced with anger and hurt. In his head, Jaemin had told him that he hated him and never wanted to see him again. </p><p>He pulled his arm away, reaching over for his phone. Through the tears stuck on his lashes, he managed to pull up his contact labeled, “Baby&lt;3 (Jaemin)” that Jaemin had changed a long time ago and he hadn’t bothered to change because it was cute. </p><p>His thumb was itching to press the call button. He always called him when he was upset, because Jaemin would drop anything to comfort him if he asked, and Renjun was selfish. </p><p>He threw his phone down off bed angrily, a redirection from the anger he felt towards himself. He started up at the ceiling with his cloudy vision, swallowing the lump in his throat. </p><p>He was lonely, but he hated himself more than to ask for anyone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>sorry this took a bit! hope you guys enjoy&lt;3</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Renjun woke up the next day with a glaring headache. It was a nasty one—it was disorienting and it made him stumble a bit when he got out of bed. He felt better than he did last night, although not by much. The events went over in his mind over and over like a video stuck on infinite replays as he made his morning coffee. </p><p>As guilty as he felt, it came to him that his brief attraction to Jeno would be exactly that—brief, instantaneous, almost like it never happened at all. He chalked it up to how strange he’s been feeling lately, after realizing how he’d never thought about his sexuality. </p><p>He was probably just projecting it onto the first person that gave him any bit of attention, and unfortunately that person happened to be Jeno.</p><p>He decided that he wasn’t going to tell Jaemin. If it wasn’t real feelings, it didn’t mean anything. There wasn’t any need to make a fuss, at least that’s what he was telling himself. </p><p>In the back of Renjun’s mind, he knew that he was just scared of losing his best friend. Jaemin and him had never really fought before, not seriously at least. </p><p>There were arguments, like the infamous coffee fight when Renjun had gotten upset at Jaemin for drinking so much coffee that he didn’t sleep for two days straight and passed out in mid-conversation. </p><p>He didn’t speak to him for days, until Jaemin had promised him that he would take care of himself better, so guilty for making him worried and angry that he broke down crying on his doorstep. Renjun forgave him quickly, because he was weak and hated seeing Jaemin upset more than anything. Jaemin only drinks one cup of coffee a day now instead of the previous six with 4-espresso shots each. </p><p>Renjun drank some mild pain killers and rendered himself useless for the rest of the day. He curled up on his bed, covers pulled up to his chin and watching a random Netflix movie that he deemed interesting enough. He wasn’t paying attention in the slightest; the mixture of his head hurting and his mind going on auto-pilot left him out of reality. </p><p>He doesn’t remember falling asleep—he only remembers waking up to the sound of a familiar giggle near him on the floor. </p><p>Renjun didn’t even have to look to know who it was, already spotting the tufts of pink hair from where he was laying. </p><p>He pulled himself up to sit against the headboard, stifling a yawn and stretching his arms above his head. “Tell me why you randomly showing up at my house doesn’t even surprise me anymore,” Renjun sighed. </p><p>Jaemin poked his head up and grinned at him cutely, pushing himself up onto the other side of the bed and sitting opposite of Renjun. </p><p>“I mean, I practically lived here at one point,” he replied coolly, smiling. “You weren’t answering my texts so I assumed you died or something and wanted to check on you.” </p><p>Renjun crinkled his nose. “My hero,” he muttered. Jaemin ignored him, poking his shin through the blanket and asked, “How was hanging out with Jeno yesterday?”</p><p>He felt himself flush. Jaemin was looking at him expectantly, and Renjun worried that he knew exactly what happened last night. Maybe Jeno noticed and told him, or Jaemin used his soulmate powers to read his mind. </p><p>After a pause, Renjun replied, “Um. It was good, I guess. We won that dog at one of the carnival games.” He pointed over to the dog sitting on his night stand. </p><p>Jaemin reached over and picked it up, smiling at it fondly after examining it for a second. “It looks like Jeno.” </p><p>“That’s what I said!” Renjun whispered, then louder, “That’s why I chose it.” </p><p>Jaemin laughed, flopping down on his stomach and resting beside Renjun while hugging the toy. He looked up at his best friend through his lashes—he had ridiculously long lashes—and sighed contently, “I’m glad you guys are getting along. I was seriously worried.”</p><p>“You were?”</p><p>Jaemin nodded. “Of course, you two are important to me.” </p><p>Renjun stifled a smile, shoving at Jaemin’s figure gently, “Alright, stop being sentimental, it’s weirding me out.” </p><p>Jaemin’s smile suddenly turned mischievous.</p><p>In one swift motion, Jaemin threw his entire body on top of Renjun’s, trapping him in with his arms and snuggling his cheek into his shoulder, singing sweetly, “My Injunnie~”</p><p>Renjun squeaked in surprise and tried to push him away but his arms were locked in a death grip to his side. Jaemin only hugged him harder in protest, laughing gleefully into his ear. </p><p>A minute went by of struggling until Renjun finally accepted his fate as Jaemin’s personal teddy bear. His body relaxed and he glared down at the top of Jaemin’s head. “I hate you,” he stated. </p><p>Jaemin hummed in response, turning his head to rest his chin on his shoulder. “I know.” </p><p>Their faces were a little too close for comfort, and Renjun really hated how Jaemin’s eyes were sparkling as a result of the reflection of the overhead light. The combination of it with his hair, soft smile, and unwavering gaze on him made him feel overwhelmed suddenly. </p><p>Jaemin looked so… beautiful? Was that the word? His best friend was one of the most handsome people he’s ever met, he had come to terms with that a long time ago, but he couldn’t come up a snide remark like usual—he just swallowed down the lump in his throat as he wondered what would happen if he just crept a little bit forward.</p><p>Renjun could’ve sworn he saw Jaemin’s eyes flicker down to his lips, but it was brief enough to excuse as his mind playing tricks on him.</p><p>He felt a blush creep up his neck, so he whipped his head in the opposite direction, coughing faintly. </p><p>“Let me go,” Renjun mustered up weakly. Jaemin chuckled and nuzzled his nose into his neck before loosening his grip on his arms. Renjun took the opportunity to shift until his back was against Jaemin’s chest instead, his heated face out of sight. </p><p>Why was he so flustered?</p><p>He chewed on his bottom lip and tried to still his beating heart. Unsurprisingly, Jaemin contently attached himself on his back, arm thrown over his waist lazily. </p><p>It wasn’t uncommon for them to be like this, especially with Jaemin being the equivalent of a human koala, Renjun tried to remind himself. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus on his breathing, on Jaemin’s breathing that was tickling the back of his neck. </p><p>His focus moved onto a different feeling after the blush started to fade. He felt warm, not in the flustered way, but from how close Jaemin was to him. The feeling was nice, to be in someone’s arms, safe and protected. </p><p>The longer they laid there, the easier it was to forget that the world existed outside of the four walls of his bedroom. Renjun opened his eyes and looked over at the framed photograph on his nightstand. It was extremely old, collecting dust. The picture was of Renjun as a child, dressed up in a little white hat and a red hoodie, posing in front of a field of yellow flowers. </p><p>It was amazing to think of how far removed he was from the kid in the picture. He’s grown up now—a new chapter of his life was about to begin when he moved for university next year. He would be on his own then, maybe without Jaemin even, and he had to learn to live a little. </p><p>It hit him then that he had never had a typical high school experience. He wasn’t a recluse, no he had friends, even joined a few clubs here and there and did alright in his classes, but other than that?</p><p>People around him were falling in and out of love, spending nights sneaking around and testing the waters between danger and amusement. Renjun spent the last three years crying over math homework and being upset that his friend was moving on without him. </p><p>The problem wasn’t that Jaemin was moving too fast, getting a boyfriend and spending less time with him; it was that Renjun was too slow to keep up with everyone else. His life had no real purpose other than to circulating around school. It was an inexplicably lonely realization. </p><p>“Jaemin,” Renjun whispered, breaking the silence. “Do you think I could find someone soon? Like you and Jeno?”</p><p>No response. </p><p>He twisted his head and found himself face to face with his sleeping best friend. He looked peaceful, and Renjun found his heart filling with adoration. Even if Jaemin wasn’t with him forever, he would cherished the moments like this. He would keep a screenshot of this moment in his head, under lock and key in his memory. </p><p>Renjun closed his eyes and dreamt of his own happiness. </p><p>-</p><p>“Chenle,” Renjun called. He was settled on the couch, fiddling with his phone in his hand, unable to go past his home screen. He felt jittery and nervous, even though nothing was actually going on. </p><p>Chenle appeared from the kitchen, his dark hair sticking up in all direction like he didn’t bother with a comb today. “What is it?” he questioned in Mandarin. </p><p>Back in his mother tongue, the words rolled off a little easier than he expected. “Help me make a profile for Tinder.”</p><p>Chenle’s eyes lit up immediately, and he squealed excitedly as he plopped down beside him. “Seriously?!”</p><p>Renjun’s phone was immediately snatched out of his hand, Chenle making quick work of the interface as if he had done this before. </p><p>Renjun blinked. Wait, had he?</p><p>Renjun glanced around the classroom, quickly shushing him and shooting him a glare. Everyone else was stuck in their own conversations for break time, paying them no mind. “Quiet! Don’t tell anyone about this.” </p><p>Chenle raised his eyebrows at him. “Why?”</p><p>“Because it’s embarrassing!”</p><p>“Oh my dear Injun,” Chenle tsked, shaking his head in disappointment. “Literally everyone is on dating apps nowadays, it’s 2020. Especially at our age.” </p><p>Renjun watched over Chenle’s shoulder as he flipped through his camera roll, poking fun at a few selfies he took on a whim a week ago regretfully. In response, Renjun jabbed his side with his thumb and Chenle screamed like he’d just been murdered. He ignored the curious turns of heads.</p><p>“Boys or girls? Or both?” Chenle inquired. </p><p>Renjun furrowed his eyebrows, “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Like, preferences. You know. For who comes up and stuff.”</p><p>“Oh.” Renjun froze for a second. He didn’t think that far ahead. The answer was pretty obvious now that he thought about it, though. “Put guys.” </p><p>Chenle grinned at him cheekily and turned back to the phone. “Qasians lives on,” he smirked. Renjun smacked the back of his head. </p><p>Once it came to swiping, Renjun had little to no control over it. Chenle insisted on doing it, claiming that his taste was still developing and he knew what was best. Renjun fought back, but he quickly realized looking through profiles that he wouldn’t have swiped on any of them anyways. No one really caught his eye—they were either too boring or seemed arrogant. </p><p>Maybe he really was too picky, which is ironic considering he had no experience what-so-ever. </p><p>“This guy is cute,” Chenle reported. “His name is Dejun. He’s Chinese too.”</p><p>He tilted the screen towards Renjun who squinted to get a good look. Dejun was undeniably good looking. He had nice eyebrows, high cheekbones and didn’t seem particularly pretentious. Renjun scanned through his profile, noting that they both had similar music tastes. </p><p>“He’s cute,” Renjun agreed, nodding. Chenle let out a dramatic gasp, his eyes widening comically.</p><p>“Wow, you actually like someone on here? Shocking.” </p><p>“You know, I really regret letting you help me.”</p><p> </p><p>Turns out Dejun was actually really nice and funny. Once they matched, Renjun received a DM of a stupid pick up line about falling from heaven, which should have been a turn off, but the absolute ludicrous and boldness made him laugh so he stuck with it. </p><p>In a few days, Renjun had gotten brave enough to ask for his number, and they spent the next week texting each other funny memes mixed with mild flirting. It gave Renjun something to look forward to every time his phone rung. </p><p>Their first date went well. They both decided on getting some food at a nearby Korean BBQ restaurant and catching a new movie that Dejun was excited about. Renjun was a lot more comfortable and relaxed than he thought he would be. It was almost like hanging out with any of his other friends—there wasn’t any real pressure. </p><p>Dejun insisted on walking him to his car afterwards. He bumped into Renjun’s side playfully, smiling faintly. Renjun returned the smile.</p><p>He already started to feel a little sad that the night was already over.</p><p>“This is me,” Renjun spoke, stopping in front of his parent’s faded red car. He fiddled with the keys in his hand, not exactly sure what to do next. </p><p>Dejun hummed in acknowledgment, and turned to face him which made Renjun’s heart start beating faster. He suddenly felt nervous for the first time this evening.</p><p>“We should do this again some time, yeah?” Dejun asked hopefully. Renjun broke out into a smile and nodded. </p><p>“I’d like that.” </p><p>He watched him hesitate for a moment, before Dejun asked, “Can I kiss you?”</p><p>Everything after that happened quickly. Renjun barely registered himself saying yes, or Dejun leaning forward, but his brain seemed to have short-circuited, because he didn’t remember the kiss very well. It was brief, only a short peck, but his cheeks still flared up. </p><p>He just had his first kiss. </p><p>Once he got into the car, he took a moment to calm down before calling Chenle who started shouting, asking him how it went. Renjun couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the night. He felt like his life was finally starting.</p><p>-</p><p>Renjun decided when he downloaded the app that he wasn’t going to tell his friends about him trying to find someone, minus Chenle. Other than embarrassment, he worried that the whole ordeal would turn into nothing and he’d get his friends excited for nothing. </p><p>While it made sense for everyone else, it didn’t really explain why he didn’t tell Jaemin. </p><p>He felt guilty. Jaemin and him had always told each other everything, but this time it felt weird to him. Partly, he wanted to prove to himself that he was independent. His life always revolved around Jaemin since he could remember, and for once this was something for himself. </p><p>The other part of him tried not to dwell too much on why the idea of Jaemin knowing he was seeing someone made him feel strange. It was similar to when he felt weird when Jaemin started seeing Jeno. </p><p>Renjun promised to himself that he would tell him soon.</p><p>Over the next few weeks, Renjun and Dejun went on a few more dates. They were taking things slow, especially after Dejun admitted that he was still trying to get over his ex, Guanheng, and wasn’t sure if he was ready for a full-blown relationship yet. </p><p>Truthfully, Renjun was a little relieved when he heard that. He didn’t feel all that prepared for a relationship either—that became the first red flag.</p><p>He really enjoyed hanging out with Dejun, but after a few more outings things felt less like dates and more like he was hanging out with a friend. They always had a lot to talk about—from Dejun’s songwriting and singing (he showed him a few clips, his voice was amazing) to Renjun’s love of art and painting. </p><p>Renjun felt a new type of guilt. He didn’t want to lead Dejun on, but it always wasn’t like they were in a real relationship. He didn’t know what a romantic relationship was supposed to feel like, anyways. </p><p>He was just having fun.</p><p>All too quickly, his plan to tell his friends on his terms was shattered when he accidentally left his phone on the coffee table.</p><p>The seven of them were hanging out in Jeno’s basement again, huddled around the TV playing Mario Kart. It was a Friday, so everyone was hyped for the weekend, full of energy and in a good mood. </p><p>The weather outside was perfect—sunny but not humid, causing the basement to fill with bright sunshine. </p><p>Renjun felt on top of the world. He just finished a Chemistry exam earlier in the day that he had been worrying about for the last week, and he felt good about it. Jeno, who was in the same class, appeared the same, which only made him happier. </p><p>Renjun flopped down on the couch as soon as they entered the house. Jeno came in after him, easily lifting his head up and sitting down, placing Renjun’s head on his lap. Jeno’s hands carded through his hair easily as he carried on another conversation with Jisung, and if he noticed Renjun’s blush, he didn’t mention it, nor did Renjun acknowledge it himself. </p><p>Renjun sat the first round of Mario Kart out, choosing instead to laugh at the rest of them when they got hit with blue shells, especially Donghyuck. </p><p>He went to the bathroom about halfway through the third round, ducking underneath the TV as Chenle complained loudly that he was blocking his view. </p><p>When Renjun returned, he immediately noticed the change in atmosphere. It was quieter for one, and the game was paused. The six guys were stuck in frozen positions, as if unable to move, and it wasn’t until Renjun’s eyes landed on Jaemin that he began to panic. </p><p>He watched as Jaemin’s expression switched from hurt to hardening when he noticed Renjun standing at the entrance. He had never seen Jaemin look like that, not directed at him. It made him freeze, too. </p><p>Jaemin was holding Renjun’s phone up with one hand with the other holding the white game controller, fallen at his side, forgotten. </p><p>Renjun felt his heart fall. He knew exactly what was happening.</p><p>Through the speaker, he recognized Dejun timidly asking, “Hello? Hello?” </p><p>The sound of Dejun’s voice snapped him out of his trance, dashing across the room and snatching his phone out of Jaemin’s hand. He struggled to end the call, his mind still in panic mode. </p><p>He turned to Jaemin, and in a mix of panic and frustration, snapped at him, “Why do you have my phone?”</p><p>Jaemin stood up from the couch, arms crossed defensively. When he spoke, he snapped back with just as much fire, “That’s all you have to say for yourself? How long were you planning on keeping your new boyfriend a secret?”</p><p>“He’s not my—“ Renjun clenched his jaw and he paused, grinding his teeth a bit to keep himself from fully exploding, “You know what, it doesn’t even matter. You shouldn’t have been going through my phone anyway.”</p><p>Jaemin scoffed. “He called! And I answered it because it wouldn’t stop fucking ringing, and I figured you were being a decent best friend and not keeping things from me. Sorry I had a little faith in you.” </p><p>“I’m not obligated to tell you everything in my life, Jaemin!” Renjun hissed. “It’s my life, not yours.”</p><p>Out of his peripheral vision, Renjun recognized Jeno leading everyone else out of the room to give them their privacy. It only made him more annoyed that the rest of the day’s plans were probably ruined. </p><p>Hurt flashed across Jaemin’s face and Renjun almost regretted saying it so bluntly. He was about to apologize, but Jaemin’s features quickly twisted back into anger. </p><p>“I’ve always told you everything, Renjun,” His voice wavered a bit as if he was a second away from breaking down, but he managed to hold his own. Hearing his real name instead of his Korean one from Jaemin felt strange in and of itself. “I always wanted you to be the first person to hear about my life, but I guess you don’t think the same way.”</p><p>“I just wanted something for myself,” Renjun let himself admit. “You have Jeno, so you wouldn’t know. It’s not even like you and I are dating.” </p><p>Jaemin chuckled bitterly, shaking his head. “Oh, I’m painfully aware of that, don’t you worry. I hope he’s worth it. You can have your independence, if my presence bothers you this much.” </p><p>Renjun felt like pulling his hair out. “That’s not what I said, don’t put words in my mouth.” </p><p>“Then explain to me. What you mean, then.” </p><p>It was on the tip of his tongue, everything he wanted to say—about how he felt like he was going to be left behind, how he doesn’t know why he didn’t tell Jaemin, that he’s so damn confused whenever he’s around Jeno nowadays. But none of that ended up coming out. Renjun couldn’t bring himself to say anything.</p><p>“Do you like him? That Dejun guy?” Jaemin demanded impatiently after Renjun’s lack of response. </p><p>“I-“ Renjun was flustered. His face felt hot. “Yeah, I do.” </p><p>“Okay. Then don’t call me when it doesn’t work out. In fact, just don’t call me at all until you figure out your priorities, okay?”</p><p>“Fine.” </p><p>Renjun shoved his way past Jaemin to grab his backpack by stairs and headed to the door. Jeno was seated on the stairs near the door, hunched over with his hands folded. </p><p>Renjun made brief eye contact with him. He just needed to get away. He could feel the lump in his throat forming already.</p><p>“Renjun…” Jeno said, full of worry. Renjun paused a step away from the door, turning towards him and plastering a fake reassuring smile on. He willed the tears forming at the corners of his eyes to go away. It didn’t work.</p><p>Then he walked out and shut the door behind him.</p><p>-</p><p>Renjun walked through the motions of life, without much of a thought, for the next few days. He pointedly kept himself busy. He didn’t give himself time to rest because if he did, even for a moment, he would think about Jaemin and that was the last thing he wanted to do. </p><p>He ignored the calls from his other friends, namely Jeno who had left him at least 5 phone calls and 10 texts a day. He never opened them or read them, simply swiping away the notifications when they came up. </p><p>He left the group chat with the seven of them the day after the fight after the sight of Jaemin’s name coming up made his heart jump into his throat. </p><p>On the third day, after a successful day of avoiding Jaemin at school and eating lunch alone in the courtyard, he was outside the school when he spotted a familiar silver-haired boy waiting by the main entrance. </p><p>Renjun stopped in his tracks, and right on cue the boy made eye contact with him. </p><p>“Dejun,” Renjun breathed out in disbelief. He made his way towards him, glancing around at the other students who were passing them. </p><p>“You haven’t been answering my texts or calls,” Dejun stated. </p><p>“Y-yeah, I’m sorry about that,” Renjun stammered. “These past few days have just been a lot. I owe you an explanation, I know.”</p><p>Dejun raised an eyebrow, as if to say, go on then.</p><p>Renjun took another look around them nervously. He noticed his friends pushing their way out the doors, easily recognizable with their colored hair and loud laughing. He snapping his head away from them, grabbing Dejun’s wrist and pulling him away quickly. </p><p>“What are you–?” </p><p>Renjun led him to a more secluded spot near one of the basketball courtyards. It was the same place he had eaten lunch earlier today, with nice shade and sheltered from the rest of the loud students nearby.</p><p>He let go of Dejun’s wrist once he took another look around, leaning back against the building and sighing in relief when he concluded that he couldn’t see Jaemin or his friends anymore. </p><p>“You’re acting so weird lately, Jun,” Dejun remarked, eyebrows furrowed. </p><p>Renjun apologized again. They managed to settle on the ground next to each other, shoulders pressed together. As Renjun began to explain the events of the last few days, he played with the blades of grass by his feet and avoided direct eye contact. </p><p>After not thinking about anything for the past days, he found admitting everything on his mind. </p><p>“Wow,” was all Dejun said about Renjun had concluded his long-winded story. </p><p>It made him burst out laughing, glancing over at him. He said, “That’s all?”</p><p>Dejun hummed, smiling over at him. “It seems like you got a lot to sort out, Renjun.” He nodded in agreement. “You like him, Jaemin?”</p><p>“Of course. He’s my best friend.”</p><p>“No, not like that.” Dejun bumped his shoulder lightly. “Like romantically?”</p><p>“Romantically?” Renjun frown. “He’s dating Jeno.”</p><p>He laughed, much to Renjun’s confusion. “I’m asking about you and him, though. Have you ever thought about Jaemin as more than just a friend? Even just once?”</p><p>A pause, before Renjun sighed deeply, combing his hands distressingly through his hair. “Yeah, I have,” he admitted. “But it doesn’t matter. Like I said, he’s dating Jeno, and we’re… well, right now we’re not okay but. He’s my Jaemin and I’m his Renjun.”</p><p>“What about Jeno, then?” Dejun questioned. </p><p>“Jeno…” Renjun gulped. “Jeno, I’m not sure.” </p><p>Dejun sat up straighter, moving his body to face Renjun’s more. Renjun blinked, looking at him questioningly. “I want to try something, is that okay?” Renjun nodded. </p><p>Dejun placed his fingers delicately under his chin, pulling him forward slightly and slotted their lips together. </p><p>The kiss was longer and deeper than their first one. Renjun went along with the motions, finding the response from his body automatic. </p><p>When Dejun pulled away, he studied Renjun’s face. “How was that?”</p><p>“Good,” Renjun said easily. Dejun chuckled.</p><p>“But did it make you flustered? Did it make your heart beat faster? All that mushy stuff. You can be honest with me.”</p><p>“…No, I guess not.”</p><p>Dejun looked at him pointedly. “But it happens when you’re around Jeno and Jaemin?”</p><p>He thought back to all his interactions with the two of them lately, separately and together—how even Jeno’s hands through his hair made him blush and how close Jaemin’s face was to his the other day and how he wanted him to kiss him. The feelings always made his heart hurt and his face feel red, even though it was barely anything. </p><p>He compared it to what just happened with Dejun. He didn’t feel anything close to that emotional intensity. It just confirmed what he was fearing all along, that he didn’t like him that way. He worried for so long that it would hurt Dejun’s feelings, but based on the way he was looking at him, patiently waiting for him to come to a conclusion, told him otherwise. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” was the first thing that came out of his mouth. Dejun waved him off. </p><p>“It’s okay, I could tell your mind was elsewhere, anyways,” he smiled softly at him. “It’s not like we were serious or anything. We’re still friends, though, right?”</p><p>Renjun nodded, sighing again. He put his head in his hands. “This is such a mess.”</p><p>“I think you should talk to them. Your feelings might not be as random and unrequited as you may think.”</p><p>He scoffed, looking at him incredulously. “Which one are you talking about?”</p><p>“Jaemin. Jeno. Both of them. You know it’s okay to like more than one person. It’s more normal than you would think.”</p><p>“Even when they’re dating each other?”</p><p>“Honestly? That might be a bonus. Just talk to them.”</p><p>Renjun looked down and began to pick at the grass again, finding it suddenly very interesting. “They probably don’t want anything to do with me right now, not after the way I acted the other day.” He buried his face into his hands. “Oh god, I’m such an idiot, Dejun.”</p><p>“Hey, if you say Jaemin is your soulmate like you really claim, he wouldn’t let one little fight ruin your friendship,” he reassured him.</p><p>Renjun hugged his knees to his chest. “Let’s hope so.”</p><p>-</p><p>Renjun had never considered himself a coward before now. He loved the adrenaline rush from rollercoasters, he had killed a spider or two for Jisung who was too scared to even move—he had even done bungee jumping once. But right now he would gladly jump off another bridge rather than reach out and knock on Jaemin’s front door. </p><p>He had pacing back and forth in front of his door for nearly ten minutes, always on the brink of knocking before pulling his hand away as if he had touched something hot. The thought of talking to Jaemin after not doing so for a week was nerve wracking. He prayed that Jaemin didn’t hate him. </p><p>Renjun sat down limply on the front stairs after he realized that his back and forth was getting him nowhere. He tried to still his beating heart and the ringing in his ears. His anxiety was getting the better of him.</p><p>He hugged his knees, rocking back and forth with his eyes squeezed shut. His eyes flew open when he heard a car pull up the driveway. Jeno stepped out, dressed in grey sweatpants and a black hoodie. He was wearing his glasses that Renjun always thought made him look adorable. </p><p>He was surprised when he saw Renjun sitting on the steps. Renjun winced, waiting for some form of anger in his face but instead Jeno had walked over and sat next to him without saying a word.</p><p>They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Renjun gnawed on his bottom lip, knowing he should be saying something but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He worried that Jeno was angry at him, too, maybe even hated him for the way he acted. </p><p>“He misses you,” Jeno broke the silence, finally looking over at Renjun’s face. “I miss you, too.”</p><p>“Oh,” Renjun answered dumbly. His face began to heat up under Jeno’s gaze. “I, um, missed you guys too.”</p><p>“Just go inside and talk to him. He might be angry, but more than anything he wants you back,” Jeno added.</p><p>“As if he could ever get rid of me,” Renjun chuckled faintly. Jeno smiled at him, eyes curling up. He began to get up, dusting off his pants, until Renjun grabbed onto his hand, looking at him.</p><p>“Will you come inside with me?” he asked. “I’d feel better if you did.” </p><p>Jeno grinned, nodding. He helped Renjun stand, moving forward to ring the doorbell. Renjun stood a little behind timidly, his anxiety coming back as the door opened. Jaemin opened the door cheerfully with a wide smile when he saw Jeno, but his expression quickly changed when he noticed the older boy next to him. </p><p>“What is he doing here?” he glared, crossing his arms. </p><p>“Just hear him out, Jaem,” Jeno said, already pushing his way past him to get into the house. Renjun paused, looking at Jaemin for affirmation that he could come in.</p><p>“Can we talk?” Renjun asked hesitantly. Jaemin sighed dramatically and tilted his head towards the inside of his house, gesturing him inside. </p><p>Entering the familiar kitchen, Jeno had already vanished mysteriously upstairs in Jaemin’s room, leaving Renjun and him by themselves downstairs. They were sitting couch, far away from each other, awkwardly avoiding eye contact. Renjun cleared his throat.</p><p>“I...I wanted to say I’m sorry,” he started off after gathering his courage. He took a deep breath before continuing. “I know I acted like a dick the other day, and I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I’m sorry for not telling you about Dejun, I just... felt weird about it? And I didn’t know why then, but I know now. But you are important to me. I’m sorry for making you doubt that.”</p><p>“Injun, are you crying?” </p><p>Renjun sniffled and quickly wiped the tears coming out. It was unfair that he couldn’t stop them—he wanted Jaemin to know he was serious, not throw a pity party for himself.</p><p>Jaemin’s eyes softened. He reached over and patted his arm. “You know it’s really hard to stay mad at you when you’re crying,” he complained lightheartedly. Renjun sniffled again and managed a smile. </p><p>When he spoke again, his tone was a little teasing, “Well, you were definitely a dick, but then again so was I. I blew the whole thing a little out of proportion, I admit. I’m sorry for getting angry too. It was just kind of shocking.”</p><p>Renjun nodded, finally getting his tears under control. “We both overreacted...” He wiped his tears one last time with his sleeve before holding his hand up in between both of them for a handshake. “Truce?”</p><p>Jaemin stifled a laugh, shaking his hand to humor him and grinned. “Truce,” he agreed.</p><p>Renjun used their clasped hands as leveraged to pull Jaemin closer to him, wrapping his arms around him in a hug. It took a second for Jaemin to hug him back, shocked at Renjun initiating skinship for once. </p><p>“I missed you, dork,” Renjun exhaled. </p><p>“I missed you too.”</p><p>Renjun pulled back, laughing bashfully and untangling himself. They shared a smile and Jaemin made it a point to keep him close, keeping one of his arms around Renjun’s waist. </p><p>“So tell me about him,” Jaemin said. “Dejun, I mean.”</p><p>“Oh, uh,” Renjun blinked a few times. “He’s really sweet and we get along well, it’s just… we already kind of decided to just stay friends.”</p><p>Jaemin frowned, confused. “Really? Why?”</p><p>“W-well…” he trailed off. He stopped when he heard steps coming from the stairs. A second later Jeno’s head popped up from behind the corner cautiously. </p><p>“Did you guys make up yet?” Jeno asked hesitantly. Jaemin nodded and smiled, gesturing his boyfriend over. Jeno let an audible sigh of relief, walking over to the couch and sitting down, effectively squishing Renjun between the two of them. </p><p>Jeno rested his chin on Renjun’s shoulder, snuggling into him and mumbling, “‘Missed you, Injunnie.” </p><p>Renjun blushed. “Missed you too,” he replied quietly. Jaemin looked at the two of them fondly, playing with the tufts of Renjun’s blonde hair. “What were you saying before?” Jaemin prompted.</p><p>He cleared his throat, trying to regain his composure. The feeling of Jeno pressed against his back and Jaemin looking at him affectionately was making his heart beat so fast it was hard to focus.</p><p>“Right, Dejun… Um, I realized I didn’t like him like that. I, uh, also realized that I may have feelings for someone else,” then corrected himself: “Two people, actually.” </p><p>Jaemin gazed at him curiously and gestured for him to continue. Renjun avoided eye contact. He wondered how far he was going to go with this confession, but now that he started he didn’t think it was possible to stop now. His heart felt ready to burst out of his chest.</p><p>“I guess, when you got together with Jeno, Jaemin, I was pretty worried you would leave me behind. And I had never had a significant other before, so part of me was jealous of that too. There was also the thing with Chenle about my sexuality, and I was confused, and… I realized that I had never really considered my options before, or even thought about romance so…” Renjun frowned. He groaned, burying his face into his hands. “Sorry, I don’t know where I’m going with this.”</p><p>Jeno looked at him patiently. “It’s okay, keep going.” Renjun smiled at him gratefully, taking a deep breath before continuing again.</p><p>“I started to hang out with you, Jeno, and I had never felt that stupidly flustered before around someone, and that freaked me out because you’re Jaemin’s, and all that. And Jaemin, I started to notice all the sweet things you do, and I started to get flustered around you as well. I didn’t register it as anything more than me being stupid until Dejun… well, until a few days ago when Dejun made me realize…” His words faded into a whisper as he got more embarrassed. </p><p>He made a noise of frustration and hid his face in Jaemin’s shoulder. He really wanted to crawl into a hole and die right about now.</p><p>A few moments went by of silence as Renjun made the conclusion that he was doomed. His life was most likely over at this point. Jaemin and Jeno were going to continue dating each other and they were going to pity hang out with him because he was a hopeless romantic.</p><p>“I’ve been in love with you for three years,” Jaemin said, so nonchalantly that Renjun almost thought he didn’t hear him right. His head shot up, his eyes widening comically large. Jaemin was smiling at him warmly. “When I first started dating Jeno, it was to try and get over you, but then I fell for Jeno, too, but I never stopped liking you, Injun.”</p><p>“For the record,” Jeno chimed in. “I’ve always thought you were cute, Renjun, from when I first met you, even if I thought you hated me in the beginning. Jaemin and I…well, we were both very aware that we both liked you even though we liked each other too.”</p><p>Renjun felt his mind running at a thousand miles per hour. He was trying to process all the new information that the two boys in front of him just told him oh-so-casually. He froze in place, mouth agape. </p><p>Jaemin chuckled and looked at Jeno, “Babe, I think we broke him.” Jeno hummed in agreement, poking Renjun’s cheek as to check if he was alive. </p><p>“You guys are… actually serious?” Renjun asked belatedly. </p><p>“Why would we lie?” Jeno pouted. Renjun buried his face into his hands again, whispering to himself, “Oh god, this is so much to process.”</p><p>Jaemin gently pulled his hands away, leaning down so Renjun was forced to look at his face. He held his hands, giving him a reassuring squeeze. “This doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to.” </p><p>“It’s not that,” Renjun said quickly, frowning at the idea. “I just wasn’t expecting this. I, really like both of you, but I don’t know about a…relationship just yet?” The last part came out as more of a question than a statement.</p><p>“Take your time, no rush,” Jeno sat back and Renjun missed his warmth immediately. </p><p>“Can we take things slow?” Renjun questioned. </p><p>“Anything you want,” Jaemin said easily.</p>
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